by Alexandra

It ain’t easy being a cook, that’s for sure.

Sometimes the paninis burn and the lids flip and chicken cooks just too darn long and nothing goes right with the pies.

These are the occasions, my friends, when you need to fight back. The apples don’t taste good? Use them anyway. The crust cracked? Deal. You accidentally bought regular crust instead of deep dish, much less that you’re too lazy to make your own crust? Whatever.

We’re bigger and badder and more beautiful than those pitiful excuses for apples or that terrible generic pie crust.

It’s time they met their maker. Behold:

Lazy-ass Apple Pie

Ingredients: 2 cracked pie crusts that have been in your freezer since who knows when, and a bag of the smallest apples you’ve ever seen that claim to be honeycrisp but most definitely are not. You’ll also need some other random pie-like ingredients. Allow your intuition to guide you here. Add a little sugar, a little flour, lemon, etc. I have measurements at the bottom for you if you aren’t “feeling it,” but the best way to be a lazy ass when you cook is to just do whatever. Pinkie promise, cross my heart, etc.

Yeah, so sometimes the pie explodes. #ithappens

Failed Apple Pie
7 tiny apples, peeled, cored and sliced
about 3/4 cup light brown sugar
3 tbs butter, melted
3 tbs flour
3 tbs lemon juice
1 tbs ground cinnamon
2 frozen pie shells, thawed
7 soft caramel candies
3 tbs water
melted butter for brushing
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine melted butter, sugar, flour, lemon juice and cinnamon, then stir in the apples until well mixed. Allow to rest for at least 10 minutes.
Microwave the caramels and the water until bubbly, mix well, and pour into the bottom of one pie shell.
Pour in the apple mixture, top with the other pie shell, press down to shape the pie dough around the apples, brush with melted butter, sprinkle with cinnamon, and bake for 1 hour in the preheated oven.